Apart from Myself
by holla.atcha
Summary: Zephyr is haunted, Snape slowly becomes intrigued. Snape helps an OC escape her personal darkness..  WARNING: includes self injury and memories of sexual abuse. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Lets pretend Snape didn't die, and Voldemort did and a few years later there's still dark wizards so there's still an Order of the Phoenix. K? K. Oh and Dumbledore is still alive too, but he's not in this story much. I know a lot of people hate OC stories, but in my personal opinion…which may not matter much…I write a fairly decent OC. **

It happens during a meeting of the Order, though mercifully few are present at the time, just four Weasleys, Snape, Potter, and Kingsley. Zephyr Hadley, a sixth year student at Hogwarts and a sometimes spy for the Order (they were desperate for someone no one would expect) apparated into the kitchen. Chaos broke out, firstly because their enchantments and protections and wards, newly reinforced upon number twelve, Grimmauld Place should have prohibited this, and secondly, because Zephyr was crying harder than anyone should ever cry, chalky white, and covered in her own blood. George and Ron Weasley jumped up immediately and helped her to her feet, while Mrs. Weasly dithered on the spot before producing bandages and cloths from midair and beginning to clean the poor girl up.

Snape regarded the small huddled figure with an impassive look on his face. She belonged to Gryffindor, infuriatingly enough, because she was one of his best students, in fact, she always took top in Potions; and actually in most classes. That being said, though, Snape wasn't big on bawling teenage girls, so he let everyone else take care of her while he pondered the fact that she was able to apparate into a place warded against just such a thing. His thoughts were interrupted by a shriek, Mrs. Weasly had attempted to take Zephyr's outer robe off, and she had jumped about a mile, screaming, before curling into herself and refusing to meet anyone's eyes. Snape's stomach dropped.

No.

"Blimey," Ron breathed, reaching down to touch her shoulder, she wrenched it away as though she'd been burned. Snape stood up, he'd seen enough.

"Stop."

The command was obeyed instantly, and six pairs of eyes trained themselves on Snape. He wondered why he was doing this for her, a student, no one special, but thrust the thought aside as he crossed the room in three great strides, picking up the protesting girl, and turning to them.

"I'm going to take her to Hogwarts, I'll debrief her there, and Madame Pomfrey can patch her up. She needs medical attention, but St. Mungos will ask…questions." There were more reasons he didn't want Zephyr at St. Mungos but he need not voice those until his suspicions were confirmed. Everyone agreed, or at least looked like they were agreeing, as Snape tossed Floo Powder into the fire and commanded "Hogwarts."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hokay, so chapter 2. I'd love feedback! Negative or positive is welcomed. I'm trying not to make Snape too OOC, this chapters not too bad about that, but he's pretty OOC later. ENJOY!**

Rather than take her straight to Madame Pomfrey, Snape carried Zephyr to his personal chambers, no need in bothering the mediwitch if he could take care of these injuries himself, he reasoned. Lying a now semi-conscious Zephyr on the couch, he pointed his wand at her, saying "_scourgify_," over and over until most of the blood had been siphoned off. Gently he made to take off her outer robes, but just as she had done in the kitchen minutes earlier, Zephyr fought him off, this time though, falling into a dead faint from blood loss.

"Well that's one hurdle jumped." Snape muttered to himself as he eased the girl up, her robes falling off her shoulders with the motion. Even through the muggle t-shirt she was wearing under her robes, Snape could immediately see the long, deep gashes in Zephyr's back and the bruises adorning her body. A quick diagnostic charm confirmed massive blood loss, three broken wrist bones and a shattered ankle. Deciding this was as far as he would go with his patient unconscious, Snape pointed his wand at Zephyr, murmuring "_enervate."_ He watched her eyes as she was slowly pulled back into the world of consciousness.

She struggled to breathe normally for a few seconds, then looked up at Snape, fear etched on her face.  
"Where are we?" She asked, relaxing as her eyes roamed the room taking in the cozy décor of Snape's personal chambers.

"My chambers, at Hogwarts." He replied slowly, clearly, trying to keep the girl calm.  
"I thought it best to get you medical attention without alerting the Prophet to your need for such things. Madame Pomfrey is just upstairs." He paused, watching her eyes, her body language, for any sign of panic. He found it, well hidden, but visible if one cared to look at the slight clench of her hands, the quick hitch in her breathing.  
"Or," He continued,  
"I can treat you here, I am adept at most straightforward medical charms."

Snape waited for Zephyr's response. There was a pause, and then a quick nod from the girl, who was looking like she was about to faint again.  
"That would…actually be very nice." She looked at him, her eyes unconsciously pleading.

"Okay," he said,  
"Lets get started then." On purpose, he forgot to ask her permission before attempting to remove her blood-soaked t-shirt to get to the gashes underneath. Again, she started, inadvertently shying away from him, wincing, but, Snape assumed, not from pain.

He knew it.

Displaying a side of his personality few knew he possessed, Snape knelt beside the girl and took her trembling hands in his own.  
"Zephyr," he said gently, "Please calm down. I am not trying to take advantage of you. I am trying to save your life."  
She looked up at him with huge eyes, and a look of fear on her face, not the previous blind panic that drove her to apparate with a force so great it shattered magical wards, but rather the fear that comes with the finding out of a long-held secret.

" Of c-c-course you're not, I'm so sorry. Its s-sort of a natural reaction," and with a small laugh, she took the tshirt off herself.  
Not wasting any time, as she still looked half dead, Snape set to work tracing and re-tracing the gashes in her back, they looked as though they had been caused by either the secumsepra spell or a whip wielded in the same spot over and over. He hazarded a guess at the latter; the Dark Legion that had sprung up after the death of Voldemort was particularly fond of non-magical torture. It took the better part of an hour to get her back healed, the scars showing pink even through Zephyr's newly donned tank top. The blood loss halted, he handed Zephyr a blood-replenishing potion, and was pleased to see color slowly returning to her face.

Her shattered ankle came next, mended easily within minutes, and he picked up her broken right arm, intending to mend the three broken bones in it just as quickly, when he noticed it.

He first realized she had been shackled, because her wrists were rubbed raw from the restraints, forming a bloody, and painful looking circle around her arm. He mended the broken bones, then slowly began tracing his wand over these abrasions. As he started on the left arm, he noticed different abrasions, little cuts, almost all one inch long, some longer some shorter, all running horizontally, except one long scar that ran vertically down her wrist.

At first he assumed it was part of the torture she had suffered, but as he started to heal the small cuts, he realized they were cuts made on top of scars from old cuts, made on top of scars from cuts older still.

Snape's blood ran cold.

Zephyr was cutting herself. Snape's first reaction was anger, but he realized quickly that would do no good. Deciding to set the matter aside he finished healing the girl, then tipped a Dreamless Sleep potion down her throat. Lying her on his couch, he decided to put the matter aside for the time being.

**A/N: Again, I'd love reviews. If you find writing about self injury triggering, stop reading because it gets worse. For those who don't like !AngstyAngsty don't worry its not too smushy. **


	3. Chapter 3

The school term began, and Snape had Zephyr in his sixth-year Potions class. She was much quieter than usual, her eyes much more haunted. With a chill, Snape recalled the harrowing story she had told him after he had healed her.

_I don't think my cover as a spy has been blown, but I failed to kill Teddy Lupin last term at school and they got really angry about that. I was held in a cell in the Nott's basement and beaten over and over and over…_

Snape had needed to use Veritiserum to ensure that Zephyr's cover and the secrets of the Order had not been, even accidentally revealed. He knew the strain of being a double agent and the difficulty secrecy and lies presented. He had carefully worded his questions so that the sexual abuse she so ardently refused to acknowledge could stay un-said, but Snape knew from experience that it was only a matter of time.

That time came, when in early December, Zephyr missed her third Potions class in a row. One incidence of skiving Snape was prepared to overlook, especially from Zephyr, as she could have been called by the Legion and for some reason had to leave school. The second absence sparked some investigation and all members of the Order said that no, Zephyr hadn't been contacted by the Legion in some time since escaping the Nott's basement over the summer. The third missed class, Snape began to panic. He kept one of her closest friends, Amanda, behind after class and demanded to know where she was. Amanda didn't know where Zephyr had been, but did say that she and her long-time boyfriend, a Ravenclaw named Matt had just broken up over "something really insignificant, which was weird…" Knowing Zephyr, Snape doubted the insignificance of the event. He decided that if she hadn't turned up in classes tomorrow, he would go looking for her, if only for the chance to dock Griffyndor points should nothing be wrong.

Turns out, Snape didn't have to wait that long. He was on duty to patrol the corridors that night, and he heard footsteps heading up the winding stairs leading to the Astronomy Tower. Assuming it was a couple seeking romance under the stars (don't they know how cold and un-romantic is up there?) he trawled along slowly, wanting to catch them as awkwardly as possible. (hey, who could blame him really, patrolling the corridors is boring.) As he came to the base of the stairs, he glanced upward at the spot where the stairs came out onto the landing. A single figure was walking forward, a familiar one.

Zephyr.

Knowing nothing good could come of this, Snape sprinted up the stairs after her. He emerged on the landing looking around for Zephyr, his heart sinking as he found her standing on the wrong side of the railing, looking down to the ground below. He hesitated, not wanting to startle her into falling, then strode across the floor, letting his footfalls resound in the silence. She looked around, her eyes narrowing in frustration and disappointment, yet with a hint of relief.  
"Zephyr…"  
"Leave."  
"Zephyr, I am not about to leave you alone."  
"No. Get out. LEAVE!" Her voice snarled and broke on the last word, giving away her fear. And before Snape could think of what to say next, how to convey his understanding of the depth of her pain, she had let go of the railing, falling toward the ground, her eyes wide in terror, yet with her body held bravely and unflinchingly still, even in midair.

Snape watched, powerless to do anything, for even magic cannot save those who don't want to be rescued.

They brought her to the hospital wing, every bone in her body broken, yet somehow she was still breathing, her heart still beating. She slept, deep, long natural sleep long after Madame Pomfrey had mended her broken bones and the places where her skin has split open from sheer force of hitting the ground.

They said she lived because her head had been the last thing to hit ground, because she had fallen on the small patch of grass beneath the Astronomy Tower, because she was strong, healthy….

They called her lucky.

Snape knew that it was because beneath the pain, Zephyr possessed a will to live stronger than any force on earth.

He waited for her to wake up, waited for the chance to heal her mind, to turn her will to live into something conscious, to wage war against the blackness in her psyche.

And wake she did, finally, after six days. As all the other students were sitting in their final exams before Christmas, the top student in the school was groggily taking in the world around her, an unreadable look on her face, as the Potions Master regarded her, carefully looking for any signs of physical pain and wondering how best to delve into the emotional pain.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I figure since they're written I might as well put 'em up. R&R please **** WARNING: descriptions of sexual abuse here so if that bothers you don't read….**

"Zephyr you are not cooperating with me." It was three days into break, most students had gone home, and Zephyr had been officially released from the hospital wing and into Snape's care on a full twenty-four hour suicide watch to be released at Snape and Madame Pomfrey's discretion. Snape was trying to learn about his charge's early life, but all she would do is tell funny stories and cute anecdotes of growing up with her brothers.

Snape was frustrated, she was clearly still in emotional pain, not to mention the physical pain that still lingered even after Madame Pomfrey's best administrations. (after all magic could only fix so much) Small cuts were reappearing on her arms, how, Snape didn't know, she was barely ever out of his sight.  
"Zephyr!" he repeated a second time, jogging her out of her stupor.  
"Sorry professor." She said, not at all looking contrite. Snape decided it was time for the hard questions.  
"Zephyr, I'd like you to tell me about the sexual abuse you have suffered." Zephyr's face went from rosy to pale to ghostlike. Her hands began to shake, and she began rocking back and forth unconsciously. "Zephyr? Are you okay? Please tell me. You need to get it out, you MUST talk about it to somebody. It will eat you from the inside out if you don't." Zephyr made a jerkish movement like she was about to stand up, but her muscles seemed unable to support her and she gave up before even beginning. She tried to speak, her mouth opening and closing like a fish, which under normal circumstances would have been funny, but now simply looked painfully pathetic. Snape was kind, but firm, choosing his next words carefully. "Zephyr, speak. Now, please." He thought she would refuse, then,  
"I…c-c-c-can-can't. Speak…about it." Snape knew that sometimes victims of torture and abuse couldn't speak about their experiences, it was a form of trauma, a defense mechanism in which the mind shut the body down, keeping the memories at bay.

However, Zephyr was past the point where ignoring the issue was effective. She needed to get it out. Snape made one last request, thoroughly expecting a vehement refusal.  
"Let me into your mind."

He was shocked when Zephyr nodded, sitting back and making eye contact for the first time in weeks. He began, letting the pictures of her memories flit through his mind.

_Zephyr is about four years old, her father creeps into her bedroom at night. "Baby do something for me, do something for daddy?" her little four year old face shines with pride at being chosen above all her older brothers. Afterwards, Daddy swears her to silence, swears her to keep "our little secret," as he creeps out of the room leaving a confused toddler sticky with the remains of her father's sick pleasure._

_Zephyr is older now, about ten years old. Daddy sneaks in again, she pretends to be asleep, maybe he won't want me to touch him tonight if he thinks I'm asleep. But this time its worse, this time he doesn't just want to be touched he wants to touch._

_Thirteen years old. Zephyr wishes she was back at Hogwarts, cant wait for the summer to end. He walks into her room, no longer sneaking, no need to. Mommy is dead and brothers are long gone off working jobs, having successful lives, blissfully ignorant. He pins her to the bed, the alcohol on his breath making her retch. None of that precious, none of that. He unceremoniously rips off her nightgown, and ignores her screams of pain. Afterward, she sits in the shower for hours, long after the water has run cold, carving her shame into her legs with a razor blade._

_This summer, in the Nott's basement. They are standing around her, beating her over and over and over with that awful Muggle whip. She's lightheaded with pain, though not crying out, no noise, can't risk any sound, might let words out, secrets out, oh no not good. Remember the pain? Pain is the friend. Remember? Goyle rips off her t-shirt, can't see through all that bloody material, cant aim properly. Oh hello beautiful, what have we here? As three, four, five men bear down on her, she closes her eyes, tries to find that place she went to as a child, tries to ignore the pain, the rough floor digging into the gashes in her back, as they break her open again and again and again, watching, looking, touching, thrusting, heaving, jostling for a place. They leave her there when they are done, bleeding from the inside out, she puts her clothes back on before apparating somewhere ANYWHERE and Grimmauld Place comes into her blurry view._

_Back in Hogwarts, Matt her boyfriend. No, Matt we can't do this. Why not, don't be a tease. No Matt, I said no, NO MATT, NO, STOP, PLEASE. Shut up you dumb bitch, you can't say you don't want this._

_You can't say you don't want this._

You can't say you don't want this.

Snape wrenched himself from her mind, her memories still haunting him, would continue to do so for weeks, even years to come. He sat down, his heart breaking for the small figure who had collapsed in tears on his couch. He gathered her to himself, careful not to touch her as the others had, careful to comfort but not insinuate.

"Shhh, its all going to be alright. We're going to work through it all. You're safe now."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: REVIEW. thats it. **

"Shhh, its all going to be alright. We're going to work through it all. You're safe now."

After she had calmed down, Snape got up, leaving her curled up on the couch, half asleep. He walked into the kitchen and started preparing some tea, but as he was waiting for the water to come to a boil, he heard her get up, heard her moving around. Striding back into the living room, he spared a glance at the vacated couch before moving into where he knew Zephyr would have gone, the storeroom. He rounded the corner two seconds too late, but just in time to see her limp body collapse to the ground.

Hospital wing, round two. Madame Pomfrey was able to cleanse Zephyr's system of the poison fairly quickly and easily. Zephyr slept under the influence of a sleeping spell, while Pomfrey, Snape, and Dumbledore tried to figure out how to handle the situation.

"Severus, how did this even happen?" Pomfrey asked, a hint of accusation in her voice.  
"Poppy, I assure you, I have not been neglecting my charge. However it is impossible to be everywhere at once. I was in the kitchen, preparing tea. She was in the next room, I _assumed _she would be okay alone for five minutes, an assumption I, obviously, regret." Madame Pomfrey opened her mouth to make another burning accusation, but Dumbledore cut her off before she could lash out at Snape again.  
"Severus, the situation is not as simple as it was a few hours ago. The Legion suspects there is a traitor in their midst, they have called a meeting tonight, at midnight, and _all_ are required to attend. We either need to get her there and hope to Merlin they don't suspect she is the spy or let her cover be blown and protect her." Snape sighed, sinking into a nearby chair.  
"Zephyr is in no shape to be doing anything." Snape sighed, looking at the unconscious form on the bed next to him.  
"Quite right, Severus," Dumbledore replied, "But not showing up will place her in danger. She cannot stay at Hogwarts." Snape knew that Dumbledore was thinking of both Zephyr's safety and the students of Hogwarts.  
"No." Snape agreed, drawing out the word and looking at Dumbledore questioningly.  
"The only question left, then, is where will she be safe?" Dumbledore wondered aloud, glancing at Snape. Resigned, and knowing what the headmaster wanted, Snape spoke aloud, slowly;  
"My home. Its Unplottable, warded, and far away. If they even thought to look in my country, they would be hard pressed to find any trace of us let alone get close enough to do harm." Dumbledore nodded his agreement.  
"Straight away, then, Severus, and do take care..." And as Dumbledore threw the floo powder into the fire, Snape picked up the still-unconscious body of Zephyr, nodded to the headmaster, and stepped into the fire.


	6. Chapter 6

**A_/_N: Short but sweet. I'll probably post another chapter in a few hours.**

ZEPHYR POV

Waking up when you were hoping not to ever again is a bitch. Doing it a second time is just straight depressing. This time, when I open my eyes, I'm not in the hospital wing at Hogwarts. In fact, I'm nowhere I've ever been before, and I'd remember this, believe me. This place is so warm, so calm, so _nice._ I would for sure remember had I ever been here before. There is a slight wildness to the air, and I swear I can hear waves lapping a shore somewhere. I lay for awhile just absorbing the peace of the place, all darkness, thoughts of death, all pain for a moment transcended by this peace. The thought occurs to me that maybe I am dead, maybe this is heaven, although now that I think about it, my legs do hurt terribly from being broken, and now my head is killing me, the old aches from my fall off the Astronomy tower and new pains inside, presumably from the poisons I just swallowed. Professor Snape explained to me that magic could never completely heal the physical wounds I had inflicted upon myself, something about deep magic and intent and bla bla bla. As if my thoughts of Snape had summoned him, he walks around the corner of my room at this moment. He's wearing Muggle clothing, dark jeans, and a black long-sleeved t-shirt. Silent, he crosses the room, picks up my wrist in his hand, checking my pulse. Apparently satisfied, he turns my arm over properly, exposing the fresh cuts I'd made in my arm. Shame washes over me, and I physically wince as he pierces me with that gaze of his.  
"If I heal them, will you promise to stop?" he asks softly.

I cannot lie to him.

"Probably not, sir." My voice comes out raspy, my throat begins to burn. A look I can't begin to decipher crosses his face. He is silent for a moment, then,  
"Sorry about your voice, how does your throat feel? The poison probably scalded it on its way down…and back up again." Snape continues to inquire after my health, and I answer politely, my scarred arm still exposed, still unhealed. Interesting, it seems he intends not to heal those cuts. I'm fine with that, I deserve those scars. It finally occurs to me to ask a fundamentally important question,  
"Sir, where am I?" I inquire.  
"My home. It is in Australia, somewhere the Legion wouldn't think to look for you, and, if they did, they'd have a hell of a time finding this place. It is warded stronger than anywhere save Hogwarts."  
"The Legion?" I ask wondering why they're looking for me.  
"Yes. They realized there was a spy in their midst. They called a meeting while you were…unconscious. When you didn't show up, I'm assuming they realized you were the spy. It is the logical conclusion."  
"Why wouldn't they think to look in Australia?"  
"There is no wizarding community here. Very few Australians are born with magical powers, no one knows why, but its true. As is the case, very few wizards even know of Australia's existence, let alone would think to look for someone here."  
I chance a personal question, "Is that why you like it?" He pauses, looking out the window.  
"That, and because it is beautiful." I cannot help but agree.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Warning: self-injury.**

SNAPE POV

I keep Zephyr in bed for two more days, mostly because I do not know what to do with her. Finally, she is completely healed, well, physically at any rate, and I cannot confine her to bed any longer. I decide it is time to lay some ground rules.  
"Zephyr, you may wander freely, however do not leave the warded area without me. It's a circle a mile in radius, so I think you will not have too much trouble with this. I will not tolerate another suicide attempt, and I would prefer you do not cut your arms either…however I am aware that that is perhaps the only thing keeping you sane, so distasteful as I find that practice, I will not condemn you for it. Please know that I wish only to help you, and I am here for you whenever you need someone." I know she will talk sooner here than she would at Hogwarts, even with a one mile radius of freedom, this place could get boring.

We settle into an easy routine, I wake at six o'clock AM on the dot, as usual, while Zephyr wakes closer to nine or ten. She eats breakfast, reads for a bit, goes for a run, usually around six miles, some days four, some days ten, comes back, showers, we eat lunch together, and then spend the afternoon reading or watching Muggle television before I prepare dinner, which she never eats. Evenings are spent either taking separate walks or sometimes playing basketball or soccer together. On colder evenings we play chess or backgammon. She is a fierce competitor, brilliant, but with no poker face, and a height handicap when it comes to sports, so we are somewhat evenly matched as I'm considerably better in strategy but less prone to competitive rages.

She is still cutting her arms, I can see the marks, see the bloody cloths in the trash, see the splotches on her sleeves. She tries to hide it, but I am very observant. She is losing weight too, not enough to worry me yet, but I still press her to eat dinner. It does not work and she gets angry with me. I let the subject drop for the time being. One afternoon, she's not sitting in what has become "her" chair, the one by the window, where she can see the ocean, the waves lapping the beach at high tide. I assume she's out walking or resting, or simply reading somewhere else, it would not be the first time she had done such a thing. After an hour has passed, though, I become curious, then worried. Give me three guesses as to what she is doing right now, and I would bet on the one involving a knife. I walk from room to room, just to check, giving Zephyr the benefit of the doubt. All are empty, save for the bathroom in her room. I knock on the door. No answer. My heart drops a notch, and I call out this time as I knock,  
"Zephyr? Are you in there?" To my relief, her voice comes back, oddly hollow  
"Yeah."  
"Are you okay?" I ask, knowing what the answer will be.  
"Yeah." Liar.  
"No, you are not. Come out here please. Now."

And out she comes, at first looking fine, but as she walks forward, she stumbles a little. I catch her, she's shaking, and pale. I recklessly abandon any pretense of student-teacher formality, allowing my concern to show.  
"Sweetheart, what did you do?" I murmur, for now I can see the blood beginning to stain the shirt she had hastily pulled on in the bathroom, I can see the blood staining her hands, the hands still clutching a razor blade. I pry the blade from her grasp, tossing it onto the counter, _deal with that later,_ I think, then turn back to Zephyr, who is swaying where she stands. I steer her into the kitchen and sit her on a chair. Her pulse is slow, very slow and her blood pressure dangerously low. I Summon a blood-replenishing potion from my storeroom, tipping it down her throat, I realize she'll mostly bleed the new blood out, but it is better than having her collapse where she sits.  
"Zephyr, will you take off this outer shirt for me please? Let me see what you've done?" She hesitates, and I remember the first day she was here, when I refused to heal the small cuts because she wouldn't promise to stop. I know she's remembering that conversation too.  
"Zephyr, you need medical attention, I'm not going to deny you that, okay? Let me see your arms." She removes the long-sleeve shirt, leaving her in a tank top. She flips her arms over herself, exposing the damage to me. Two very long, very deep, horizontal gashes run across her left forearm, leaving fatty tissue and blood vessels exposed. Both are still bleeding profusely. Wasting no time, I take out my wand and begin healing the cuts, tracing the wounds over and over and over. Finally, they are closed. For good measure, I heal the older, more shallow ones, they do not even leave scars, like these deep ones will. I make Zephyr drink another blood-replenishing potion, and several glasses of water before I check her blood pressure and pulse again, pleased to see they are stabilizing. I wrap the girl up in a blanket, she's shivering, her body unable to keep her warm after its most recent ordeal. Pulling her to her feet I steer her slowly into my study, sitting her down in an armchair, as I pull my desk chair around to face her. I lean forward, one hand on my knee, the other tipping her face up so I can look into her eyes.  
"We need to talk."

**A/N: So I cant decide if I want a Snape/Zephyr romance. And I cant decide something else I can't recall right now. So all I'm asking is if you guys want a romance...lemme know kk?**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Due to this supid thing called school that seems to be wanting me to prove i'm learning things via exams...the next chapter may be awhile. gimme a week, i'll have something up i promise :)**

ZEPHYR POV

_What were you thinking? What were you thinking? What were you thinking?  
You deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve this._

_You cant say you don't want this.  
You cant say you don't want this.  
You cant say you don't want this._

"We need to talk."

My stomach, already clenched, drops down to somewhere around my toes, I cant explain what happened, I don't even understand this myself.  
"Were you trying to kill yourself again?" That's an easy one.  
"No. Nothing like that." Honesty tastes strange in my mouth.  
"Did you think you could have hidden this from me?" Another easy one.  
"I don't recall thinking anything, actually." This earns me a smile, and he releases my face, and I let my eyes drop to where my hands rest, still covered in blood, on my lap. He follows my gaze, gives this strange little twitch, and then Summons a warm, damp cloth to himself. He picks up my left arm first, cleaning the blood off the recently healed wounds. When he finishes that, he hands me the towel to clean my hands off with. I'm not looking, but I can feel those eyes staring at me, as if trying to read my mind. His next question catches me a little bit off guard.  
"Zephyr, do you trust me?" Oh hell.  
"I….I don't think I trust anyone. Its not personal."  
"Zephyr, I know how you're feeling."  
"Like hell you do." Damn. Didn't mean to yell at him.  
"Zephyr, no. Listen; let me tell you my story." He pauses, I nod, looking up at him, but this time its Snape who's not looking.

"I know the difficulties that come with being a spy. Neither side trusts you, even though you are putting your own life in danger. Sometimes you must hurt friends, or let bad things happen for the ultimate good, and all anyone else sees is the immediate consequences, and they blame you. It is so difficult. For me, when I turned spy for the Order, when I defied the Dark Lord, it was because the love of my life had been killed. I was devastated. I tried multiple times in those early days to kill myself." He pauses, then rolls up his own left sleeve. Below the dark mark, I can see two very long, very large scars running vertically down his wrist. I unconsciously let out a small gasp. Thankfully, Snape ignores it, continuing his story.  
"I know the desperation that drove you to that ledge, and to that poison. I know the heart-wrenching pain that causes you to not want to live any longer. But Zephyr, I have never been more grateful to be alive. Life is precious. I do not know the pain of being sexually abused, although physical abuse I have had my fair share of. My parents beat me, the kids at school did as well, and finally the Death Eaters would routinely torture me. I know things look bad now, but if you hang in there, if you ride out this storm…." Snape pauses, lost in his own thoughts. I fight tears.  
"All that I am trying to say is that I see you trying your hardest to throw your life away. I know how you are feeling, I've been there, and I've come out the other side. It gets easier, so please, please, hang in there. Talk to me, even if you don't have the words."

Snape sits in silence, giving me time to process.

He's offering me an out. He's opening a door. I'm terrified, yet I've never felt more taken care of in my whole life. I'm shaking, almost uncontrollably, tears are welling up in my eyes, I cannot let them fall. We sit in silence for a very long time. Finally, Snape leans forward, sighing, and places a hand on the side of my knee. That small gesture does it, and finally tears are falling down my face and I'm crying, silent sobs wracking my body.

**A/N: I remembered what I wanted to ask earlier...okay so 2 questions: Zephyr/Snape romance yes/no? And Zephyr eating disorder yes/no? I cant decide. I mean, I know what I would do, but I dont know how much drama you guys can handle :) jk stupid question, bring on the drama, yes?**


	9. Chapter 9

SNAPE POV

I take a risk, telling her some of my story, talking about the suicide attempts. I almost lose her when I show her the scars, _too much too soon_ I think to myself. I know that the requests I am making of her are difficult ones, and I hope against hope that she is strong enough to let me help her pull herself out of this darkness. For whatever reason, this girl has gotten under my guard, I cannot sit passively by any longer, I _want_ to help her.

We sit silently for an impossibly long time. I can almost see her thoughts spinning in her eyes. I take a chance, reaching out to touch the outside of her knee, careful not to startle her. She dissolves, finally. Tears are running unchecked down her face as she gives into the hurt. She leans forward, her head in her hands shaking and crying. I do not know what to do. Crying girls _really_ are not my area of expertise. I leave my hand where it is, rubbing her knee in small circles with my thumb.

From that day on there is a change. We go back to our little routine, but Zephyr is quieter. She's more genuine, her smile quicker and more real, her depressed periods longer, more pronounced.

Dumbledore stops by the day before term is set to begin, bringing news, which by this point we are both greedy for. But his news is not good. The Legion has overtaken the ministry, and Zephyr is on the list of wanted individuals. England is not safe for her. She is livid, I'd expect nothing less. She wants to fight, she wants to throw caution to the wind and take on evil. Dumbledore reminds her that she cannot do it alone, that there is a plan in place, and she needs to wait it out. Zephyr sulks at this. She cannot return to Hogwarts, she cannot return to her spywork, in short, she's been rendered purposeless and she's slowly going crazy. I must return to Hogwarts to teach, or risk suspicion.

After Dumbledore leaves with Zephyr's promise that she will remain in hiding, we sit in silence at the kitchen table.

I can see she is near the end of her rope, her silence is harsh, her eyes boring holes in the wall opposite. I have to calm her down, I have to ease her anger. For a moment I'm tempted to take her into my arms, in fact as I realize this, the desire becomes almost unbearable. _What the hell? _I ask myself. _What am I thinking? Get yourself under control, Severus._

I snap out of it, still uncertain of what to say. She cannot be alone; anyone would go crazy in this isolated little place. However, I cannot promise her any company; I cannot let anyone else know her location. I must keep her safe. She needs to be safe. _For whom?_ The pesky voice in the back of my head asks. _Safe for whom, Sev? You? _

Finally, I speak.  
"I will come back as often as possible. I can only promise once every few days, however." Zephyr nods. I speak again,  
"You need to stay busy. Keep learning. Read books."  
"I need to be in school!" Zephyr finally snaps; she goes from an icy calm to a towering rage in seconds. I'm terrified for a split second, then realize this is probably a good thing, outletting anger this way rather than…others.

"Its NOT FAIR! Why should MY life be disrupted? WHY cant I fight? I'll kill them all! I want my life back! I don't want this anymore I-I-I…." She lets out a scream, a frustrated, anger filled scream of rage, her face twisted up, keeping tears at bay. She turns, punches the wall, pauses, and then hits the wall again and again and again. Bemused, I walk over to her, pulling her away, pushing her into a chair, surprised at how easy it is, I'd half expected her to hit me. She's quiet now, still angry, but calmer. I stand looking down at her, she's looking up at me, her bright blue eyes filled with tears. "I want to live."

I cannot help but smile.


	10. Chapter 10

Zephyr POV

He's smiling at me. I just flew into a totally embarrassing rage and he's _smiling_ at me. How infuriating.

I'm beyond angry. I have no control over my life any more, everything has been taken. My innocence has been taken, my school, my friends, my job, my family. Its all been taken from me. I'm stuck, here, in this little bubble of safety, and as calm, peaceful, and beautiful as it is, its freaking _restricting_. I was not born to hide.

Snape's eyes narrow, he's still looking at me. He sighs, then sits down on the arm of my chair.  
"I know you're angry." He says softly. "But its just for a little bit. Please, just trust Dumbledore. Trust _me._"

He leaves the next day for Hogwarts, for the place I should be. My friends will notice I'm not there, they'll think I'm off working as a spy. They'll have drama, and fights, and they'll make up. They'll have inside jokes and detentions together and lessons. They'll move on. I'll be just some girl they knew for a little bit in school.

I feel so alone.

I go for a run. I come back, fix lunch, look at my turkey sandwich. _You don't need that, do you?_ Nah. Not really.

I while away the afternoon, reading books. I read _Magical Discoveries of the 1990's_. Boring…just like the 1990's. I move over to a section of Muggle books. Good thing Snape has an extensive library. I read _Emma._ I decide I love Muggle classic literature.

Its night. Dinner? I haven't eaten dinner in years. _Why start now?_

So I don't.

I know what I'm doing. I'm fully aware that I'm exerting control on the only thing I possibly can, on food. I've read the stories, the books, seen the interviews on Muggle television. I'm not dumb. _So why are you doing this?_ Because it feels good, I tell the stupid voice in my head. Because in a completely twisted way, I deserve it.

Snape doesn't come back until the weekend. I'm out on a run, and when I come back, there's someone in the study. My heart stops temporarily, and then I realize its just him. I grab a glass of water, and then wander into the study, dropping into the chair opposite his desk. He looks up at me from a stack of papers he's grading.

"Hey." I say, grinning. "Long time, no see, its been boring." I'm surprised at how much I really am glad to see him, how much I've missed him without realizing. A smile plays around his mouth, his expression impossible to read.  
"Hey yourself. Sorry I was unable to come sooner, I must be careful. You found the Jane Austin collection, I see." I nod,  
"Yup, and the Mark Twain."  
"Gotta be careful with that guy," Snape says eyeing the copy of Puddinhead Wilson I'm holding up. I'm confused for a second, then realize that he's joking. My delayed laugher brings a smile to his eyes, and I realize I like making him almost-smile. I let myself wonder for a second what it'd be like to make him actually laugh, to say something truly funny and have him laugh.

_What a weird thought, Zephyr. You sure you're not smoking crack?_


	11. Chapter 11

SNAPE POV

The week flies by, I'm fully immersed in teaching and brewing potions for various purposes. My thoughts often stray to Zephyr, wondering how she's doing, how she's keeping busy. By the weekend, I cannot stand to be at Hogwarts anymore, I want to go home. _Just for peace? Or another reason?_ I actually physically roll my eyes at that errant thought.

Zephyr appears to be out when I arrive at home. Looking out the window, I catch a glimpse of her, she's on a run. I pull out a stack of papers I had the fourth years do on how to properly make a Hiccupping Solution, and set to grading. I hear Zephyr come in, hear her get some water. She walks into my study and sinks into the chair on the other side of my desk

"Hey." She says, grinning. "Long time, no see, its been boring."  
The first thing I notice is that she's lost weight. I'm concerned, but its not the time or place to bring it up. I keep my expression vague.  
"Hey yourself. Sorry I was unable to come sooner, I must be careful. You found the Jane Austin collection, I see." She nods.  
"Yup, and the Mark Twain."  
"Gotta be careful with that guy," I say eyeing the copy of Puddinhead Wilson she's holding up. _Jokes, Severus? Wow.. _She has this look of absolute confusion on her face for a second, then she realizes that I am joking. Her much-delayed laugher is..._absolutely adorable._ That voice in my head is getting to be a real problem.  
"What have you been up to?" I ask.  
"Oh, not much. Reading and running mostly. What's going on at Hogwarts?" The question indicates how lonely she is, and my assurances that Hogwarts is as normal as it ever has been does little to erase the look of longing on her face.  
"Want dinner?" I ask. Her forehead wrinkles.  
"You know I don't eat dinner!" she says teasingly, with a nervous grin. _Oh_, _I know, _I think.  
"Why not?" I ask, legitimately curious.  
"I don't know. I just never have." She shrugs, bounces off the chair, and walks to the doorway, where she pauses, then turns around.  
"I'm bored." She says bluntly.  
"Lets make cookies?" I suggest. Cookies. I cant believe I just suggested we make _cookies._ Its not like she's four. I don't embarrass easily and I feel as though I want to disappear into the floor. I keep my expression even, though, while I wait for her response.  
"I like cookies." She says grinning.

**A/N: So I do realize that the story is slowing down, but hang in there, I'm building to something. As always, I appreciate reviews :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: This chapter is almost embarrassingly short, but again, hang in there :)**

ZEPHYR POV

He suggests we make cookies. I'm…oddly excited. I mean, its not like I'm four years old or anything, but making cookies is such a normal thing to do. _Its almost like…_

_I almost thought "Its almost like we're a couple." How weird. We could be. I mean, no, we could never be. He's my PROFESSOR. He's like…ten years older. Yeah, but he's super good looking. And nice. He's not nice all the time, remember? That's because he's a professor. He's nice to me. I cant believe I'm going here. Do I like him? Uh…yeah. Jeez how stupid….I'm just going to get my heart broken. Again. Maybe…_

My inner dialogue is interrupted by Snape's hand waving in front of my face.  
"Spacing out?" he asks. I laugh, shake my head no, and we go on molding the cookie dough into cookie-shaped blobs.

He leaves early the next morning, but promises to return on Wednesday. I fall into a deep depression, I'm bored out of my mind, books don't entertain me anymore, and I don't have the energy to do anything else. I don't eat. I spend my time sleeping and wandering the house and the grounds. I stand with my toes on the line where the protective wards meet the ground, staring out at the town in the distance for hours, longing to be anywhere but here.

I think…no, I know I'm falling for Snape. I cant stop wondering what he's doing right now, if he has a woman in his life already, what he thinks of me. I obsess about him constantly, its annoying, but its something to focus my thoughts on, and lets face it, it's a very pleasant something to focus my thoughts on.

My other obsession isn't so pleasant to focus on, but its just as consuming. Food. I cant stop thinking about it. I'm always deciding to eat, then I just cant…have to be perfect. Nothing sounds good, yet everything does. I want to eat but I just cant bring myself to do so. I'm not hungry, yet at the same time, I'm ravenous.

There's a mantra running through my head always…

_Got to be perfect.  
Got to be perfect.  
Got to be perfect._

_Don't tell me you don't want this._

_Don't tell me you don't deserve this._


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So so so sososososo sorry about the long wait between chapters and for the crap filler nonesnse that was the last few chapters, I've had exams and papers and the like...and then was in a very mushy mood (not a good thing...) bahahahaa so. The next two are pretty bomb, the next more than this one I think. Anyway, lemme know your thoughts!**

SNAPE POV

Its Tuesday night, and I'm relaxing in my chambers at Hogwarts, looking over some papers that students have written for an assignment. My fireplace turns the green with floo powder, and my heart leaps as Zephyr appears, a look of chagrin on her face. I was a fool not to anticipate this. She must be bored, and sick of being cooped up.

"Sorry…" She says, sheepishly, waiting awkwardly by the fireplace, a question in her voice.  
"You're acting recklessly, Zephyr. It is dangerous for you to be here." Like she doesn't know that. Like she's not here _because_ of that. But it's the only thing I can think of to say.

Do not misunderstand me, there are many things I would like to say.  
_  
You're so thin, and I'm so afraid for you.  
I'm angry at everyone who's hurt you.  
I want you to be okay, to be happy.  
To be with me._

I cannot say these things. Not yet.

"Can I stay here? Please? I cant be alone." Her voice borders on whining, and I bite back a grin.  
"You know its dangerous." I say, leaving it up to her for interpretation, as I do not even know what I mean by that statement. Do I want her here? The answer is unequivocally yes, and the line between "should be" and "is" is beginning to blur in my mind.  
"I don't care about danger." I knew she would not.  
"Zephyr, it is not only dangerous for you, but you are risking the lives of the students here."  
"How will anyone know I'm here? I'll stay in your chambers, I won't be seen by anyone!" The rational part of my mind demands that I return her to Australia immediately and the responsible part of my mind demands that I close my home's floo network. However, something makes me decide against that.  
"You may stay. On the condition that you do not under any circumstances leave my quarters or attempt to make contact with anyone who is not me." Even as I am second guessing myself, thinking maybe I should just send her back anyway, her face lights up, and she looks so happy I cannot send her back to sit in that house alone.  
"And stay out of the storeroom" I say sternly, remembering her second suicide attempt.

She sleeps on my couch, and in the morning, I realize I'm glad to have her here for a practical reason.

"Breakfast!" I say as she stumbles sleepily into my kitchen. To say she looks less than thrilled is an understatement. She turns away from me and starts making coffee.  
"No thanks." She says lightly, and I know she's hoping I have not noticed her dramatic weight loss.  
"Zephyr, I would really like for you to eat something." I say.  
"No." Her voice holds a tone indicating that the conversation is over.

That's what she thinks; I'm far from ending this fight.

"Please, Zephyr, eat. You've lost weight, I've noticed it for awhile, but now its becoming alarming. I cannot stand by and watch you endanger your health again." The look she gives me in return is nothing short of loathing, and I watch her walk away from me with a pain in my heart.


	14. Chapter 14

ZEPHYR POV

He's noticed my weight loss. I know its stupid, but the first thing I did when he mentioned it this morning is walk into his bathroom and cut my arms again. By the time I had come out, he was gone, off teaching a class, presumably, and there was my breakfast sitting on the little table in the kitchenette still, with a note: _Eat, Zephyr. Please. We are going to talk about this later._

I toss the food in the trash, then think twice…and Vanish it instead. I sit back, just as bored here as I was at Snape's house in Australia. I sit staring absently off into space for a second…er…make that an hour. A thought occurs to me, I'm not George Weasley's best friend for nothing.

As I'm throwing the floo powder into the fire, the thought occurs to me that I'm blatantly breaking my promise to Snape. But I'm so desperate to do something that I really don't care. I step into the green flames shouting "Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes!"

I come out of the grate in the back room, thankfully. I really don't want to be seen by anyone other than George. And, speak of the devil, he comes around the corner as I'm straightening up.

"Zeph!" he shouts, and after we catch up briefly (that's the best thing about guy friends, they don't demand explanations) I explain how bored I am and how I'm on the Legion's hit list and cant be seen.  
"Yeah, Zeph, I saw you were on the wanted list, I got a little jealous! Hah, but no, for real, I can't do much for you…my invisibility cloaks only work for a little bit and even then aren't foolproof." My face drops, and he mirrors my expression mockingly. I instantly laugh; _I've missed this guy!_ He sits down, studying me.  
"Hey, Zeph, are you okay?" he asks, out of the blue. I hesitate for a second, his eyes narrow, for once dead serious.  
"Yeah, I'm okay George." He chuckles.  
"You're not, but that's okay, you don't have to talk about it. Just know that I know something is wrong, and that I care and am concerned and I'm here." He pauses. "AND I have an idea!" He says, switching topics back to my freedom issue.  
"Oh?" I say, hopeful.  
"Harry Potter."  
"What?" I ask, confused.  
"Harry Potter. When we were at school the kid wandered the school day and night undetected. Made Fred and I downright jealous! I can see if I can get his invisibility cloak for you…he doesn't need it anymore, now that he's all respectable with kids and the like."  
"Please?" I ask, hope and longing in my voice.  
"Sure thing, kiddo. Now go, before anyone notices you're here and we both get killed." He shoves me into the fire after throwing some floo powder on it.

Snape's chambers reappear in my vision, and I'm able to sit through the rest of the day alone, excited by the impending freedom George has promised me.


	15. Chapter 15

SNAPE POV

She left. I am not brainless, I put security measures on my fireplace so I would know if she went anywhere. She left right in the middle of my sixth year Potions class, ironically the one she used to be in. I am tied up for the next hour and a half, I cannot go searching for her, not that I would know where to begin. I am furious. _Does she not understand the danger she is in?_

The second class ends, I sweep down to my chambers, bursting in the door.  
"What the hell were you thinking?" I demand.  
"What?" She asks, looking confused, and a little frightened.  
"What the hell were you thinking, leaving? Especially after you promised me you would _behave_ and _stay put._ What happened to no one knowing where you were?" Color rises on her face, she is getting upset.  
"What the HELL is YOUR problem? You have no idea what its been like. I've been cooped up for MONTHS now. I am legally an ADULT and should be allowed to make my OWN freaking choices. And you're so controlling! _Don't do this, do that, eat this, go here, stay there." _She mimics my voice. I cannot help it, I snap. I sweep across the room, grabbing her by the back of her neck and pulling her off of the couch onto her feet.  
"I am TRYING to keep you SAFE you stupid child! The entire universe does NOT revolve around you, there are OTHER people to take into consideration." I let go of her, shoving her back down onto the couch. "You want to be treated like an adult? ACT LIKE ONE." I turn on my heel and stride out of my chambers, using the fire in the staff room to floo to my home in Australia.

Once there, I pace the kitchen, angry. Angry with Zephyr for being such a child, angry with myself for losing control. I realize she is probably in an emotionally vulnerable spot right now, I realize that yelling at her is probably going to make her hurt herself, maybe badly. I feel horrible about that, but I also realize I am probably the last person on earth she wants to see right now.

So, I set myself the task of finding out where she went. She was gone for only forty-five minutes, a relatively short time for such a huge breach of security. There are ways to trace where a floo network has connected to. The only way to do this is using ministry-kept secret spells, but I am an excellent magical hacker, similar to a muggle computer hacker, and within two hours, I have acquired the exact coordinates of the fireplace Zephyr exited this morning. It is the joke shop that George Weasley operates. After his twin died fighting Voldemort, George almost burned the place down, but now runs it in memory of Fred. It makes sense that Zephyr would go there, now that I think about it, she and George became very close friends when she stayed at Grimmauld Place for a few weeks the summer between her fifth and sixth year at Hogwarts. It now occurs to me that she was probably taking refuge from her father's sexual abuse, and I wonder how much George knows about what is going on with her now. I decide to pay him a visit.

I floo into the Leaky Cauldron, ignore Tom (as usual) and go out the back, through the wall, and into Diagon Alley. I have never been to the joke shop, but I cannot imagine it will prove difficult to find. It does not. I walk in, and George is at the sales counter, he glances up saying hello, looks back down and then double takes.  
"P-Professor Snape?" he asks, looking confused. I jump right to the point.  
"Is there somewhere we can talk?" I ask. He leads me to a back room, where there are two chairs facing each other. I would bet money that Zephyr had sat in one of them this morning. I sit in one, George warily sits in the other. I begin,  
"I know Zephyr was here this morning." I say.  
"Er…yup. She was…" He says nervously.  
"Why?" I drawl.  
"She…ahh…she's bored. Sir."  
"And she wants entertainment?"  
"Or…a way to wander…unseen?" The poor boy is clearly trying not to betray Zephyr's confidence while trying simultaneously to appease me.  
"Potter's cloak." That damn thing has caused me enough trouble. George just shrugs. I get up and make to leave, but George's voice stops me.  
"Sir? Is she okay?" I pause, wondering if having George as an ally would not be a half bad idea. I turn around properly, regarding him carefully. I decide I need to think about this for a little bit, so I leave him standing there without an answer as I return to Hogwarts.

I do not know whether to be relieved or disappointed when I discover Zephyr sound asleep on the couch in my chambers. I need to apologize, but I do not know if I am quite ready to do it sincerely yet. I walk into the kitchen where there is half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sitting on the table, half eaten. There's a note tucked underneath in Zephyr's handwriting _See? I'm making an effort._ While I would barely call a quarter of a sandwich an "effort," but as it's a peace offering, I am willing to accept it. I sit in the chair opposite the couch with a book, and wait for Zephyr to wake up. After about forty-five minutes, she opens her eyes, regarding me warily. Before she has a chance to say anything, I speak.  
"Zephyr, I would like to apologize to you. I lost my temper and said and did things that I…regret. I believe I reacted out of fear, I do not understand what is going on inside your head, and I do not like being lied to. However, I did react badly, and I am very sorry about it." I stop, and wait for her to respond. She is silent for a long time, and then,  
"Well I'm sorry I snuck off. I didn't mean to hurt you or put anyone in danger. Truce?"  
"Truce." I sit looking at her for a moment, she looks ill at ease. I decide to dive right back into the hard topics. "That sandwich was a good start, but I want you to eat some dinner. What can I make that you will eat?" I watch her expression harden.  
"I don't eat dinner, you KNOW that." She snaps. So much for truce, we are back at it.  
"Please. One time will not kill you. Honestly, you probably will not even gain weight from just one meal." My thinking is that if I can get some food into her, her blood sugar levels will rise and she will be more amiable, and easier to talk to, and we can actually get to the bottom of all this. She, of course, has other ideas.  
"No. I don't…" She stops herself. She doesn't _what_? I do not like what I am hearing. I feel backed into a corner, I do not want to be the bad guy, not twice in one day, so force feeding is out. I decide to back off, just for tonight.  
"You are right, you do not usually eat dinner. Of course, I would prefer you did, however I am not going to force you."

_Force you._ Oh, Merlin. I'm raping her. Not sexually, obviously, but emotionally. I took away her freedom, her friends, her schooling, her job. It was necessary, and the best option at the time, but taking her to my home rather than waking her up that night in the hospital wing essentially rendered her powerless over her own life. Just as she had been powerless to stop the sexual abuse, she is now powerless over all of her life. She is exerting control over the one thing she can, food.

My heart breaks with this realization.


	16. Chapter 16

ZEPHYR POV

He backed off. I'm floored. _You won, s_ays the part of my mind that keeps me starving.

Snape stands there, looking at me for a fleeting moment, his eyes narrowed in thought. Something seems to occur to him, and he turns, wordless, and walks into his bedroom. Which leaves me…absolutely alone again. I think through the day, my "escape," Snape's reactive explosion at me, his disappearance, and reappearance and our second fight, which he completely conceded.

_When did you become a bitch?_ I try to ignore this thought, buts it's pervasive. I didn't used to be like this, I used to be nice, to be everyone's friend, the reliable one, the girl who people wanted to be around. What happened? Now I'm this freak, some girl who hurts herself and everyone around her in any way possible. I know I'm hurting Snape, the one person in my life right now. I know he doesn't do for everyone else, hell _anyone_ else, what he is doing for me right now, yet I still fight him and refuse his help and hurt myself which hurts him over and over and over.

And I don't understand it.

Out of nowhere I'm crying, curling into myself to keep my sobs silent. I'm like this for maybe ten minutes, maybe longer, when Snape appears in the doorway. I'm to that point in crying where you cannot stop no matter how hard you try. I stare at him, willing the tears to stop rolling down my face, for my sake as well as his, _he doesn't need me falling apart on him. Again._ But I cant stop crying.

He crosses the room slowly, but deliberately. He sits down on the couch next to me, and reaches around my shoulders, pulling me so that I'm leaning against him. He waits for me to cry myself out, then speaks, softly,  
"Talk to me about it." And, all of a sudden words are coming out of my mouth almost unconsciously.  
"I don't know what is wrong with me, I'm so angry all the time and I don't know why and I hate myself for how I am behaving, but I do it anyway, I'm so out of control, and lost and confused, and I'm hurting you and I know it and that makes me so angry with myself, because you've been so nice and I've been so awful and I-I-I don't know…I've caused so many problems that I just wish I didn't exist. And I hate that I'm so self centered but I don't know how to change that. I'm just _so_ sick of being in such emotional pain all the time. I want it all to end, I'm no good for anyone."

Snape just sits there, lets me talk myself out, lets me rant on and on nonsensically until I have no words left. I expect him to say something, to make sense of my world, or even just to tell me to suck it up and get over myself, but he doesn't say a word. Instead, he just turns me and pulls me closer to himself, so that we're both reclined backward on the couch and I'm sitting between his legs, resting my head on his chest, and he's holding me tightly with both arms.

We sit like this for a long time before he speaks.  
"Do I need to put you on suicide watch again?"  
I consider this. Apparently I consider for too long, because his arms tighten around me and he speaks again, "Consider yourself watched. Unofficially, for now. Zephyr, I know you feel like you have no control and I am partially to blame for that. However, starving yourself, and hurting yourself is not an effective way to gain back control, in fact, you are even farther _out_ of control than you were before. _Let me in._ I can help you, if you let me. But you have to trust me."

I have to trust him.

I am at a crossroads.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: So I ditched class all afternoon and watched the Return of the King. And finished this fic. Not simultaneously :) EN-FRICKIN-JOY :)**

SNAPE POV

I watch Zephyr closely for the next few days. She's very subdued. We visit George together; call him off the search for Harry Potter and Harry Potters Bloody Freaking Cloak. He looks at me questioningly, and Zephyr worriedly. Predictably, he pulls me aside.  
"What's going on?" He asks.  
"Zephyr is dealing with a lot of difficult things right now." I say, not wanting to betray her trust. George, surprisingly, does not pry.  
"What can I do to help?" He asks.  
"For now, just be her friend." He nods, and walks away from me, over to where Zephyr is looking at a display. He puts his arm around her shoulders, whispering something into her ear. She hugs him, then turns to me.  
"Can we go home?" Zephyr asks.

_Home. _

Home. I take a chance and take her back to my home in Australia rather than to Hogwarts. She obviously has something on her mind, and I'd rather have the peace and beauty of my homeland to garner a trusting environment than the myriad of interruptions Hogwarts would undoubtedly have offered me.

Zephyr walks into the living room and sinks into a soft armchair in the corner. Her silence makes me nervous, I can hear that her breathing is ragged, her face pale. Her hands are shaking and she refuses to look me in the eye. I take off my traveling cloak and my wizards cloak, leaving me in dark muggle blue jeans and a black button-up muggle shirt. I unbutton the wrists on the shirt, rolling the sleeves up a few times. I want to appear casual and approachable, as well as the scars on my wrist under my Dark Mark will hopefully remind her that I understand, maybe more than she does, the depths and drive of her pain. I grab a wooden chair from the kitchen table, set it directly across from Zephyr's armchair, sit down, and wait.

She takes a shaky breath.  
"You asked me to trust you. To let you in. To let you help me." I can tell these words are a struggle for her, and my heart aches for the agony etched on her face. Her voice is shaking, her breathing becoming even more irregular. I lean forward, take her hands in mine, they are freezing, and her whole body is trembling now, uncontrollably. For an instant, I fear for her health, and then realize that, for the moment, her mind is much, much more important. I speak, softly.  
"If it would help, we can go inside your mind again. Together." Zephyr nods, and as I begin, I hope that what we are about to go through will be pain that brings healing, and that Zephyr is indeed strong enough to look into her past one final time.

_She's five or six sitting at the table with her mother, peeling apples for what appears to be a pie. "Mom?" She asks, her voice hesitant. "Hmm?" Her mother responds. "Mommy daddy scares me when he comes into my bedroom at night. Mommy, I don't like his games." Her mother looks at Zephyr with fire in her eyes. "STOP TELLING LIES. You will obey your father and you will NEVER speak of this again. NEVER, you understand? Now go to bed. You don't get dinner tonight."_

_She watches her father beat her older brother mercilessly, she is crouching in the corner, watching through the upstairs banisters. Afterward, he comes up to her. "Help daddy baby, help him relax or I will hurt you too. I don't want to have to hurt my princess."_

_Eleven years old. Hogwarts, safety. She excels. Daddy doesn't care. "That magic shit disgusts me. You should be ashamed of yourself." Mommy and Daddy fight about it, Daddy is drunk, very, very drunk. He doesn't stop hitting Mommy and after hours, she stops crying out. Zephyr realizes she just watched her mother die. It's the first time she cuts herself. She feels so ashamed _I should have helped her._ She thinks. She's trying to punish herself. Her father finds her, hiding on the bathroom floor. Here, you little freak, let me help, he holds her down, running the razor blade across her wrists, tossing it aside, yanking her to her feet. He alternates beating her and raping her. She prays for death, but it doesn't come._

_Sixteen years old. She decided long ago that no one would ever know. She's SOMEONE in the magical world, she's important. She's a spy, they trust her. She earns top grades, she the best. No one would want to know that for three months during the summer she is some man's whore, let alone that that man is her father. She tries running away three times this summer, but he always has the police track her down "thank you constable, thank you so much for returning my precious daughter to me." Shuts the door in the smiling policeman's face and beats her to unconsciousness. _

_Fear. Anger. Worthlessness. Shame. Why me? You deserve it. NO. no. no. Helplessness. Anguish. You cant say you don't want this. You are so, so alone._

_One final memory. She's fifteen, at her initiation ceremony into the Legion. "Our initiation is simple. Kill a man." Someone drags forth a hooded figure. _It's over._ She thinks. _The game is up; I won't kill an innocent man just to earn their trust. _They pull the hood off the man's face. Her heart stops, then burns with vengeance. The man is her father. She looks him in the eye as she, almost without thought, sends a jet of green light straight into his chest. He falls to the floor. Dead. _

Zephyr is calm afterward. She's still shaking a little, still very pale, but she's not crying. She's not doing much of anything, actually, just staring at the wall blankly. I'm rooted to my chair, trying to absorb the depth of her past, trying to see how everyone around her could have missed such abuse, such pain, such horror right in front of them. I'm simultaneously angry and proud. I'm angry with everyone who has ever hurt this precious girl right in front of me, and I'm immensely proud of Zephyr's courage and strength that kept her excelling all the way through school, that keeps her strong even today. I stand, pulling Zephyr to her feet with me, and I pull her inward to myself, and I just stand there, holding her.

She finally breaks out of her trance, and we talk. For hours and hours into the night, I try to make her understand that what has happened to her does not make her a bad person. It makes her a person, a really _good_ person to whom bad things have happened. I try to make her see her value, her unbelievable capabilities that make her both a fiercely loyal friend and a trustworthy colleague. She listens, _actually listens_, to what I have to say and she talks, FINALLY, really and truly talks about everything. She talks about the release that cutting affords her, the relaxation, the everything-is-gonna-be-okay feeling. She talks about the starving, gnawing, empty feeling in her stomach that keeps her world in order, the fears at bay. She talks about the nagging voice in her head _you don't deserve anything, you deserve pain, you don't deserve food, you don't deserve love. _

She trusts me completely, and I am overjoyed and honored.

She talks herself to exhaustion, and I watch her fall asleep in her chair, cherishing seeing her face finally, _finally_ peaceful.

"Sir?" she says, as I'm leaving her alone to sleep for the night.  
"Yes?" I ask.  
"Thank you." She says. "Thank you so much."  
"Of course, sweetheart." I pause at the threshold. "Oh, and Zephyr?"  
"Hmmm?"  
"Call me Severus."


	18. Chapter 18

ZEPHYR POV

Its so, so freeing to finally have everything out in the open. I wake up in the morning to the sound of waves lapping the shore outside Severus's house. _Did he really give me permission to use his name?_ It will be awhile before I can say it out loud, I'm sure, but I've already made the transition in my thoughts. I can smell eggs and bacon frying in the kitchen, and despite myself, I'm nervous.

I creep into the kitchen, unnoticed by Severus, or at least that's what I think. But, without turning around, he knows I'm here and speaks:  
"Good morning. You slept well, I hope?"  
"Yep, I did" I say, smiling nervously and eyeing the food he's cooking. He's going to want me to eat some of that, I know.  
He seems to sense my nervousness, because he turns around and studies me searchingly.  
"Its going to be okay." He says. I'm here for you. The hardest part is starting something.

He's right, damn him.

"Okay." I say, quietly.

Why is this so hard?

He puts a little bit of eggs and some toast on my plate, then loads his up with eggs, bacon, and toast. He hands me my plate, and then sits down to eat his breakfast. Just like that. I take a deep breath.

I can't do it.

He stops eating after about a minute, and looks at me, at my untouched breakfast, then back at me. He keeps eating, but studies me while he does. I play with my fork. He finishes his breakfast, then picks my plate up, scraping the uneaten food into the trash can. He still hasn't said a word, and I'm terrified that he's angry.

I try to explain, I just couldn't eat, I am paralyzed with terror.

He's doing something at the kitchen counter with his back to me. He comes back to me with a weird look on his face, and hands me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cut in half diagonally.  
"Can you eat this?" He asks  
I down it in five minutes. Severus's face breaks into a wide grin.


	19. Chapter 19

SNAPE POV

I do not know that I am completely over Lily Evans yet, and Zephyr is not sure if she is completely healed from the terrors of her childhood yet, and neither of us is sure that we want a relationship yet; however we are both certain that when we do decide we are ready to enter a long-term commitment, we want to do so with each other.

It is a surprisingly comfortable arrangement.

Zephyr still has to hide, but she is keeping up with her studies, hiding out in the staff room, where teachers taking their breaks give her unofficial lessons.

She hates hiding. She is lonely, despite my best attempts to be present and available, I still have a job to do, an illusion to maintain.

Exactly three months after Zephyr was forced into hiding, Dumbledore comes to visit us in my chambers. We are sitting side by side, playing card games, when he knocks and then lets himself in.

"The time has come." He says. "The board is set, our players are in place. If we are to overthrow the Legion, it has to be now, tonight."

Zephyr jumps to her feet, exhilarated.

I pray for our safety, I cannot bear to lose the one I just saved, for to be apart from Zephyr would be to be apart from myself.

"Lets fight."

**A/N: Warning: since Snape is already so OOC, this next chapter is horrendously OOC and fluffy...so if that bothers you end here and rest assured that everything turns out well...or maybe they all die. Bwahahahahaa.**


	20. Chapter 20

DAILY PROPHET

DARK LEGION OVERTHROWN: ORDER OF THE PHOENIX TAKES OVER TEMPORARY MANAGEMENT OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE NAMED MINISTER OF MAGIC.

_IN A SHOCKINGLY BOLD UPRISING LAST NIGHT, THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX MOUNTED AN ATTACK AGAINST THE DARK LEGION THAT TWO MONTHS AGO TOOK OVER THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC, AFTER KILLING THE FORMER MINISTER. ZEPHYR HADLEY, OF THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, AND ON THE LIST OF THE DARK LEGION'S MOST WANTED INDIVIDUALS, CAME OUT OF HIDING AND WAS SPOTTED WALKING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF DIAGON ALLEY LATE LAST NIGHT. SHE ALLOWED HERSELF TO BE CAPTURED, BUT UNBEKNOWNST TO THE LEGION MEMBERS, SHE HAD ALLOWED A TEMPORARY TRACE TO BE PUT ON HER. WHEN THE LEGION TRANSPORTED HER TO THEIR HEADQUARTERS, THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX HAD ONLY TO FOLLOW HER MAGICAL TRACE. THE BATTLE LASTED THREE HOURS, BUT THE ORDER WAS VICORIOUS. DUMBLEDORE HAS BEEN NAMED MINISTER OF MAGIC, AND SEVERUS SNAPE HAS TAKEN HIS PLACE AS HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS. (continued on pages 3, 7, and 22)_

ZEPHYR POV

I'm free. I'm free of my past, I'm free to leave hiding, I'm free to love whom I want to love and hate whom I want to hate. I'm free to go to school, I'm free to skive off classes, I'm free to do the detentions for skiving off classes. I'm free to eat what I want when I want. I'm free to have a secret (for now) relationship with my headmaster. I'm free to enjoy my life.

I deserve this happiness.

SNAPE POV

She's still crazy. But that's why I love her.

Someday, when she's graduated and has a job, and is famous, I plan to propose.

Because then, it wont be scandalous.

We are polar opposites.  
I am a man of few words, she spouts them like water.  
I am fond of dark colors, she thinks that the more neon it is, the better.  
I am reserved, she is a hurricane.

They say opposites attract.

Apart from ourselves, we are nothing.


End file.
